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Is Sleep Training Harmful? Understand Why It’s Controversial and Alternatives
- Fernanda Ades
- 5 days ago
- 7 min read
What is sleep training (cry it out)?
Sleep training, also known as cry it out, refers to a group of methods designed to “teach” a child to fall asleep independently by not responding to their crying, either for timed intervals or throughout the night.
The goal is for the baby to learn that they do not need their parents in order to fall asleep or return to sleep.
“Ferberizing babies”: how this became popular
Sleep training (also known as cry it out) includes methods that aim to “teach” a child to sleep independently by not responding to their cry, either for intervals or for the entire night (extinction methods).
The idea is that the baby will learn they don’t need their parents to fall asleep or go back to sleep.
One of the most well-known approaches is associated with the Ferber method, popularized by Dr. Richard Ferber and widely promoted as a solution for exhausted families, especially during a time when parents (particularly mothers) needed to return to work soon after childbirth.
Why sleep training has become controversial
With advances in neuroscience, attachment theory, trauma research, and child development, sleep training is now viewed with more caution.
Not because families don’t need sleep (they absolutely do), but because we now better understand what may be happening inside the baby’s body and nervous system during this process.
“They won’t remember”… but the body keeps the imprint: intrinsic memory
It’s true that humans cannot form detailed, explicit memories from the first year of life in the same way adults do (“I remember what happened”).
However, that does not mean there is no memory.
Neuroscience now describes deeper, non-narrative forms of memory, often referred to as implicit or intrinsic memory: emotional and bodily imprints that shape how a child experiences the world, even without conscious recall.
These early imprints tend to shape internal beliefs such as:
Is the world safe and responsive, or distant and indifferent?
Can I trust that someone will respond when I need help?
Are my emotions safe, or do I need to shut down to protect myself?
The implicit message when crying is ignored
When a baby’s cries are repeatedly ignored, the implicit message experienced in the body often is:
“No one comes when I need them.”
And this is certainly not what loving parents intend to teach.
Unfortunately, it is not parental intention that shapes a baby’s internal experience, but rather how the baby experiences the response (or lack of response) to their needs.
“They learned to sleep” or “they learned no one is coming”? (Learned helplessness)
When a baby falls asleep after prolonged crying and distress (toxic stress), it is not always because they learned how to sleep.
In some cases, it may be because they had to escape the distress of not being comforted and eventually shut down their nervous system, disconnecting from the experience.
There is a term for this: learned helplessness.
Simply put: The baby may stop signaling not because they are okay, but because they have learned that signaling does not change the outcome.
This is an automatic nervous system response, commonly described as fight, flight, or freeze (the shutdown).
This process may produce visible short-term results (less crying, more sleep for parents). However, for some children, it may come with an emotional cost, affecting their sense of safety and their relationship with sleep.
Over time, some families may observe:
increased separation anxiety during the day
growing resistance at bedtime as the child gets older
a stronger need for control during transitions (as sleep becomes associated with alertness rather than relaxation)
[This is not true for every baby, but it is a possibility that aligns with what we understand today about toxic stress and emotional development. If you’d like to explore the scientific perspective on this topic, see this post.]
A historical perspective: caregivers, instinct, and sleep
For most of human history, there were no structured protocols for infant sleep. Care was guided by instinct, culture, and generational knowledge passed down through mothers, grandmothers, and "the village".
In many traditional and ancestral settings, babies remained close to their caregivers most of the time. Proximity meant both protection and regulation.
In modern, stressed and productivity-driven societies, time has become a scarce resource.
Many families feel pressured to adapt their children to adult demands - not out of lack of love but due to limited support systems.
The emotional cost also affects parents
This process is often painful for parents as well.
No parent wants to hear their baby cry, yet many are led to believe that this is the only way to restore sleep.
Mothers often report crying outside the door, taking showers to block out the sound, or using headphones just to cope.
This is not a small detail. It’s a signal that something is deeply conflicting with our caregiving instincts.
And I want to be very clear: It doesn’t have to be this way.
So how can I help my child sleep well without leaving them to cry?
Sleep is physiological: nervous system maturity + sense of safety
Today, we have more information and better tools. Integrative sleep education is one of them, offering exhausted families a path forward without relying on disconnection or forced separation.
Sleep training is not the only way to improve sleep.
When a child struggles to sleep, the conversation often quickly shifts to “bad habits,” “associations,” or “independence,” which can create anxiety and fear of “doing something wrong.”
But in clinical practice, sleep rarely improves sustainably when we focus only on surface behavior without considering the full context.
Sleep is a physiological state. It depends on two core foundations:
nervous system maturity
a sense of safety
This is especially true in early childhood, when self-regulation is still developing and the child’s body often organizes through the caregiver.
Attachment is not dependency: it is the foundation of development (co-regulation)
Common myths that mislead parents are: “If I respond, I create dependency” or “It’s bad that my baby is too attached to me.”
From a developmental perspective, consistent responsiveness builds the opposite: internal security.
The child learns that the world is safe enough to relax, and relaxation is necessary for sleep, which is a vulnerable state.
Many families come to me with the same concern:
“My baby only sleeps in my arms or while nursing… am I doing something wrong?”
Here is an important truth: In many cases, contact is a form of regulation.
It is not manipulation, not a bad habit, not a weakness, and certainly not a reflection of parental success or failure.
It is a developing nervous system seeking stability, which is completely appropriate for this stage.
What is co-regulation?
Co-regulation is when a child’s body “borrows” the adult’s ability to regulate it's own nervous system.
This happens through presence, voice, touch, predictability, and repetition.
In practical terms, this explains why many children:
fall asleep more easily with a caregiver nearby
wake and return to sleep with touch or voice
resist separation at bedtime
experience disrupted sleep during developmental leaps, illness, transitions, travel, or starting school
During times of increased emotional demand, the body seeks what feels safe.
The key shift for many families is understanding:
The goal is not to eliminate the child’s need, but to strengthen their safety system so that they the need naturally decreases with maturity and a strong and secure attachment.
Healthy sleep autonomy tends to grow from a foundation of security, not rupture.
Before it becomes the parent's goal, it needs to be a real developmental possibility for the child.
When readiness is not there, forcing separation often increases nervous system activation, and more activation tends to worsen sleep.
Conclusion: an integrative approach to infant sleep
Sleep training has become a controversial topic because it may reduce crying and night wakings in the short term, but new science discoveries and theories raises important questions about emotional experience, toxic stress, and the implicit messages some children may internalize when their cries are ignored.
If your family is tired of one-size-fits-all advice and wants a plan that sees your child as a whole human being (body, brain, emotions, and context), I can support you through an integrative, respectful approach, without rigid protocols or forced separation.
In general, this approach includes:
more appropriate timing and sleep windows (reducing physiological struggle)
predictability and routines that truly support relaxation
co-regulation (presence, voice, touch) as a bridge to self-regulation
gradual changes that respect readiness and family context
viewing the child as a whole: body, brain, emotions, and environment
In my work, the goal is not to “make a child sleep independently at any cost.”
It is to support the foundations of sleep (sleep pressure, relaxation, and safety) and guide families toward a healthy, realistic, and respectful sleep journey.
Learn more about my integrative sleep education program and 30-day support, and how I can help your family sleep better.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Is sleep training the same as cry it out?
Cry it out is a type of sleep training based on not responding to crying (either fully or in intervals). There are variations, but the core idea is reducing response to encourage independent sleep.
Does sleep training work?
In many cases, it reduces night wakings and crying quickly. However, “working” may reflect behavioral change—not necessarily emotional regulation or internal security for every child.
What is learned helplessness in infant sleep?
It is when a baby reduces their signaling after repeated experiences of not being responded to. They may stop crying not because they are okay, but because they’ve learned that calling does not change the outcome.
Is it harmful to let a baby cry to sleep?
It cannot be generalized for all babies and contexts. However, ignoring crying as a strategy may increase stress and may lead some children to internalize a lack of emotional safety.
How can I improve sleep without letting my baby cry?
This often involves adjusting timing, increasing predictability, reducing overstimulation, and using co-regulation (presence, voice, touch), with gradual changes based on the child’s readiness.
Do I need to teach my baby sleep independence?
Not through sleep training methods. Sleep development should be aligned with parental expectations and the child’s readiness. Consistent responsiveness builds internal security, and healthy autonomy tends to emerge with maturity—not forced separation.
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